So, the other half of my decision to leave my summer camp job was the fact that I was in mega anxiety overdrive the second my first camper arrived.
I haven’t had a panic attack since college, and I felt like I used to feel pre panic attack every moment of the day. When I snapped, I was having a meltdown in my car, and convincing myself to go back to the cabin was nothing short of a miracle.
It was scary how barely in control of my emotions I was. Every time someone asked me if I was okay, I could only really nod because my voice was so shaky all the time. I would be constantly overcome with the bad variety of butterflies, and I’d have to breathe my way to calm to get rid of my tears. Anytime I was even remotely alone, I had a small cry.
Added to the anxiety of having to do any caretaker/nurse related tasks was the fact that I was convinced the girls were going to die in my care. I couldn’t sleep because I kept waiting for the one who couldn’t do anything to have a seizure. She slept so restlessly that I woke up to every sound she made and looked to see if she was still alive. I couldn’t leave the cabin to run in the AM because I thought something would happen while I was gone.
It was a truly unnerving situation. And I’m laying in bed now. I’ve been asleep all day, and I’m going to sleep some more. I feel like I was hit by a freight train, and my heart hurts because I couldn’t handle the job.
But again, I know my limits, and it was truly frightening to be that close to the edge of one.