I Quit

So, the other half of my decision to leave my summer camp job was the fact that I was in mega anxiety overdrive the second my first camper arrived.

I haven’t had a panic attack since college, and I felt like I used to feel pre panic attack every moment of the day. When I snapped, I was having a meltdown in my car, and convincing myself to go back to the cabin was nothing short of a miracle.

It was scary how barely in control of my emotions I was. Every time someone asked me if I was okay, I could only really nod because my voice was so shaky all the time. I would be constantly overcome with the bad variety of butterflies, and I’d have to breathe my way to calm to get rid of my tears. Anytime I was even remotely alone, I had a small cry.

Added to the anxiety of having to do any caretaker/nurse related tasks was the fact that I was convinced the girls were going to die in my care. I couldn’t sleep because I kept waiting for the one who couldn’t do anything to have a seizure. She slept so restlessly that I woke up to every sound she made and looked to see if she was still alive. I couldn’t leave the cabin to run in the AM because I thought something would happen while I was gone.

It was a truly unnerving situation. And I’m laying in bed now. I’ve been asleep all day, and I’m going to sleep some more. I feel like I was hit by a freight train, and my heart hurts because I couldn’t handle the job.

But again, I know my limits, and it was truly frightening to be that close to the edge of one.

H, out.

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3 Responses to I Quit

  1. Pingback: I Quit | TokenBlackTeacher

  2. Anxiety sucks. Yesterday was a bad day for me and the day before that was even worse. Make sure you take care of yourself first before worrying about anyone else.

  3. Jeri says:

    Take care of yourself!! You have to do that above all else. Do NOT view this as failure…it’s not. Like you’ve said, you know your limits. You have been through a lot of emotional and physical changes in the last year, a lot of stress. This was too much more to handle for now. Sleep, regroup. You’ll be fine.

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