Drug Tests

So, I quit my part-time job today. This job consisted of administering drug tests for the courthouse probation program. It was relatively easy, and it paid $12/hour, and I only had to work 4 hours on Saturday and Sunday morning. What is wrong with such an easy gig you say? You should probably stop reading because I’m about to tell you, and it ain’t cute. In fact, it’s just plain nasty.

We’ll start with the easier things to handle. I had to go into the bathroom with the women (the bathroom was shared with the men, and so it smelled like urine, they always left the seat up, and they often missed), and after they pee, they hand you the cup. This cup is almost always dripping with pee on the sides. I put the cup on a paper towel on the counter and then dip the drug test in it, cap the drug test, and wait. If the test is negative, then I dump the pee in the toilet and toss the  cup in the trash. My issues here are there is this trash can in the rest room filled with cups that are crusted in pee residue. My other issue here is that I now have to walk to the office with this paper towel that the drug test is on, and that grosses me out because there’s a pee ring on the paper towel from where the pee cup was a minute ago.

Once in the office, I have to put the test face down on the copy machine and run a copy. The corner of the copy machine on which I have to put the test is crusted just enough that it grossed me out. Once the copy was made, the test and its pee-ring paper towel were tossed in the trash next to the machine. Also gross. And no one, but me seemed phased by the fact that pee residue was just in the office with us.

So all that grosses me out, but the three things happened that I cannot un-see or un-live. Continuing to work at that place would only add to that list, so I threw in the towel. The events are…

1. A woman was trying desperately to pee and was pushing and pushing, and her pushing resulted in her taking a nasty old dump. The smell filled the restroom, and I had to stand there and be professional, but what I really wanted to do was puke all over the place.

2. (Seriously, if you didn’t believe me about the nastiness of this post, this is probably a good place to stop reading…) A hazard of the job is seeing women’s vaginas when I grab the cup from them. For the most part this isn’t a big deal because it’s just the top and there’s nothing too exciting up there. Last weekend, I saw a vagina that not only was three times the size of a normal one, but all the innards were OUT. It was all just hanging out all over the place, and she was just sitting up normally so there was nothing special about the position she was sitting in. Her vagina was just created to be an outtie, an octopus. It was absolutely, flipping frightening.

3. (Seriously, stop reading…) And finally, I dealt with a woman who warned me that she had a heavy period flow this time around. I was like that’s fine; it happens to the best of us. But no, it was not fine. It wasn’t that a few drops made it into the sample. No, that would be too nice. The entire sample was dark red. She peed dark, bloody urine into the cup and handed it to me. I mean, I hated dealing with pee, but blood is where I draw the line. I took the test like I was supposed to, but I wanted nothing more than to vomit all over this women and quit on the spot.

It was an interesting (and extremely short-lived) experience, but I do not need extra money that bad.

H, out.

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2 Responses to Drug Tests

  1. Wesley Nesbitt says:

    You crack me up! I closed my eyes and pictured you sitting next to me, telling me this in person. That made it even funnier.

    Did you know that one of the “special duties” for an Air Force NCO (non-commissioned officer) who has a clean military record is a week of meat-gazing? Yup… The entire 10 hour shift, 5 day week is spent doing what you did. This is my thanks for not being a dirtbag. However, I’ll only have to administer the male tests, and I don’t actually have to process the pee. Oh, and they make you carry your own pee to the lab. You’ve gotta hold it high in the air so there is no chance for tampering.

    Why don’t you take up waitressing instead? 🙂

  2. elimaus says:

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

    Why did I read this?! WHY?! I know you warned us to stop but I saw it as a challenge 😉

    So thanks for adding me and putting me through this! Hehe.

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